The truth about having a miscarriage

I didn't really want to speak about my miscarriage on here, because its so personal to me. But my blog is like my little diary and I love speaking about things as it's proven to be a really good coping mechanism. On the 18th of May I found out I was going through a missed miscarriage. This is where you miscarry at any given time and your body fails to let you know. It sounds really hard, im not going to lie but it is. I was meant to be around 10 weeks pregnant and was booked into a reassurance scan only to be told that I had miscarried at 6 weeks and my baby no longer was alive. I was broken. I had so many people around me who experienced loss of baby, ectopic pregnancies etc. I never ever expected myself to go through this, as you do with anything; you're never ever prepared. You always try to understand how people must be feeling when it comes to things like this but you can never really understand until you go through it yourself. 

I was so excited to announce my second pregnancy, absolutely excited. I was excited to see Harry become a big brother for the first time, to feel my bump again and to watch my belly grow. I was beyond thrilled, but it was all taken away from me in the blink of an eye. I will never forget when I first started bleeding, I tried so hard to keep positive and think of what it could be and not what I knew it was deep down. I guess I just didn't want to accept that I was losing this baby, I wanted it more than anything right now and it was completely taken off of me. Going for the scan on my own without Owen was awful, but I knew I had to be strong for all of us. As soon as I saw the image from the ultra sound I knew it was wrong. I knew that what I was seeing, was not a 10 week scan image, I see the sack and the foetus and it was just lying there, simply lifeless. My heart sunk and my eyes streamed so hard. I was gutted, but I felt so angry at my body for not telling me. When I got into the car I stopped and broke down even more because to me, our baby didn't want to leave my body until I said goodbye. Still to this day it breaks my heart so much because my body had this natural attachment and wanted to protect the baby and keep fighting, so I simply had to thank my body for letting me say goodbye properly. 

I was never prepared for the amount of blood I was about to lose, my bathroom looked like a crime scene and I feel like such a horrible mum for harry having to be around me at that moment in time but there was nothing I could do, Owen was working and I had to do my duty of care as a mum for my current child. I went into some sort of shock I think, I couldn't breathe, my eyes went dizzy, I felt so weak and sick from seeing my insides fall out, knowing that I had just practically given birth in the bathroom, it was never ever meant to go that way, ( was confirmed later that day that I had given birth to our bumble bee naturally.)

I hated how everything had to carry on like normal. I felt like life was messing around with my feelings and we were made to get to excited over this pregnancy only for it to be put down the drain. Not only that, 3 of my friends announced their pregnancies that same night and my heart shattered into tiny pieces. That should be me, I should be announcing mine in a couple weeks. Life is shit. Life is really cruel and it will continue to bite you in the arse when you least expect it but I knew I had to learn something from this miscarriage rather than dwelling on it and blaming myself and the things I couldve done differently to ensure the baby grows properly next time. The truth is, there was nothing I could have done. Miscarriages are a lot more common than people think, and they happen for all sorts of reasons and no one knows why. 

I've told myself that this isn't a sad story, it's a life lesson well taught. I was too worried during the 6 weeks of pregnancy. I was worried what I could eat and what I couldn't eat, worried that every pain was something sinister. I just need to chill out. I blamed myself for this miscarriage, thinking maybe it was because I had a few pink gins days before I took a pregnancy test, or maybe I was so stressed I put pressure on my body to allow myself to grow this baby. I blamed myself a lot but there was nothing that I couldve done about it, because It's such a sadly natural thing to go through. I'm gutted that it's not spoken about as such because I really do think there should be more support for people who have experienced miscarriages, it's a really lonely and painful thing to go through. 

I want there to be so much admiration for the men in times like this, because although they didn't physically go through this, they still lost their baby too. Owen was absolutely incredible through all of this, he held me in his arms when it got too much, he was just so supportive even though he was struggling himself, and that I will be forever grateful for because I couldn't imagine how he felt too not being able to come into the scan with me.

I want every women, male to know that it's okay to not be okay. I've spent so many nights crying because of me blaming myself, worrying that ill never have a second child or worrying that I'll go through the same thing again. Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened. Everything in life happens for a reason, and I've learnt so much from my miscarriage, and regardless of how painful it was and still is, I'll never ever forget our bumble bee, they'll always be the missing piece of our puzzle. 

My inbox is always open for anyone who has struggled with miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, infant loss etc. We must stand together when it comes to things like this, and raise awareness. I highly recommend following MISCARRIAGEASSOCIATION as they're so helpful and supportive.

Take care my lovelies

Kay x