Health anxiety | my story

I never really wanted to be open about my struggles with health anxiety because it's so embarrassing in my eyes and a lot of people don't quite get the concept of what it really is. With any form of mental health, you can fall into the pit at any given time. It's very common for people to experience anxiety or depression after a traumatic event or the loss of a loved one. A lot of people are genuinely born with mental health issues but don't realise it until later on in life; it's nothing to ever feel bad about. I wanted to create a space here on my blog dedicated to mental health only, as a comfort for not only myself but for others too. It's very easy to feel alone and different when it comes to our mental health, but knowing that others have walked the same path is something I find very comforting, it also gives you a bit of reassurance at difficult times that you're not alone, and there are people out there who understand and will listen. Regardless of whatever mental illness you're suffering from, there is always someone out there who understands.

One thing I know for sure is that I've always had anxiety. As weird as that sounds. I didn't have the best upbringing and I do believes that's where all of this has stemmed from, because throughout my life all I do is expect the worst because in my eyes that's all I've been given. It doesn't make me any less of a person, it just means I've been through a lot and my brain has genuine trauma from it. I've done a lot of research about anxiety in the past 6 months because it got so bad in September that I genuinely convinced myself I was going to die. That sounds highly dramatic doesn't it? After analysing the symptoms, speaking to doctors and therapists I now understand that this hasn't been a short-term problem for me. I've been experiencing only minor anxiety throughout my life, which upsets me because back then I didn't worry like I do now, but I wish I gave my younger self a big cuddle because I had no idea that I was experiencing anxiety back then. All through primary and secondary school I had frequent stomach aches, leg and arm cramps and constant worry over things I really had no control over in my life. Simple things like getting the bus to school, I'd go over everything in my head five time, "what if the bus is coming, and I have to run in front of everyone?" "what if I lose my bus pass as soon as I step onto the bus?" and then it was the constant fear everyone was watching me on the bus or for some reason I was sweating so much everyone would stare. I remember, every exam or test my stomach would growl with anxiety, and that made me worry even more that everyone would notice the monster inside of my stomach and laugh at me.

I've experienced quite a bit of trauma in my life, some that may not seem like trauma to others but are to me. Two main traumas that happened to me in such a short space of time was Owen's car crash and my labour with Harry. They were both so unexpected but so powerful if that makes sense? With Owens car crash I felt like huge emptiness inside of me, the constant fear that we would be told he wouldn't make it, I can't explain how truly horrific that was for myself and everyone else around me. My labour was expected, but very highly unexpected at the same time. I never researched labour and the complications that may happen, which is why I blame myself for hyperventilating like I did during it. I panicked so much at how painful the contractions were, being rushed to theatre and all these doctors swarming around me, it was terrifying. I didn't expect these two events to trigger me like they did, but they have. 

In November 2019, I spoke to a therapist about my struggles with anxiety, and they basically said it was health related anxiety. Trust me, there a so many different types of anxiety out there. I wasn't really sure on what the hell it was because I thought anxiety was just anxiety, constant worry and fear. I realised that then all of my anxiety was constantly worrying I was going to die, or develop the horrible C word. It sounds so silly and selfish of me to think that, and it would to people who've never experienced anxiety. It's an irrational thing that my mind naturally does. Everyday I have random pains in my body, aches in my arms and legs or random shooting pains in my head, all of which make me panic on a regular basis. Going to the hospital sets my heart rate off, I feel like I'm in constant danger. I remember finding a lump on my neck back in October and spending so long thinking I had the C word, only to find out it was a blood vessel. My point of view is that's how triggering my anxiety can be, any little thing that Is different about myself, I notice is straight away.

I would never fake anxiety or self diagnose myself with anything. I see far too many people slating others for faking their mental illnesses but if I'm honest I would love to fake anxiety if it meant I didn't have to deal with it everyday. I feel like I'm forever trying to explain to people who have never experienced any form of mental health how difficult it really is. Everyday I'm constantly fighting my own mind and trying to create a positive space for myself. I've bought countless crystals, stress relieving wax melts, herbal teas. I have to accept the fact that this is anxiety, and it's not who I am deep down. I can't control the thoughts inside of my head, but I can control how I go about them. I was never born to fit in, I was born to be different and stand out from the crowd. 

To those who suffer with a mental illness on the daily, please never feel alone. There were days where I felt like I couldn't fight anymore, where I felt like no one would ever listen. There is always someone out there who will listen to your struggles, and I can guarantee you're never alone. There are so many cloned emotions out there, people who do think and feel the same as you but they're so far away that you probably feel like you're the odd one out. My email and messages are always open for anyone who wants to vent and rant. We may not always be holding hands, but we're always there.

Take care my lovelies, 

Kay x